That’s it, I’m becoming haredi

That’s it, I’m becoming haredi.

I’ve always been told that I have a Jewish neshoyma, and I think it’s time to bring it out of its hiding place, deep within my secular chest, out into the open. I’ve often spoken to God, wherever and whenever I found the time and the need to. But now I can talk to him at fixed times, and at fixed locations, with the right words, legitimately, like a mensch, not, you know, on the fly, as I’ve been doing.

I’ve spoken to my wife about it [probably the last time I’ll do this now] and we both agree that it makes perfect spiritual and financial sense for both of us to become ultra-Orthodox and raise our children frum. Lots of little frum children. She’s happy to spend the next 15 years of her life going from pregnancy to pregnancy, really she is.

The truth is that we can no longer afford to remain secular.

When we become haredi we’ll get free housing, I won’t have to do reserve duty anymore, I can quit my job, join a koylel, read and learn and argue all day with guys just like me, the rebbes [the geniuses!] will make all of our important financial, personal, and political decisions for us [what a relief, this was all getting so complicated] and I can also stop worrying about my son having to go to the army one day or make a living for himself. Maybe he’ll want to grow up to be a rabbi? When I was tiny I dreamed of becoming an astronaut. And look where that got me! I can’t even afford a tourist ticket to space! And NASA is only sending drones and little cars to space, not astronauts anymore. A shande on those Goyim!! Much better to become a rabbi and get closer to God in the heavens that way – I’m serious, enough of this luftenmensch dreaming. I’ll stop being such a chochmolog, an oyberchoychem. I’ll stop being a second-class citizen in my own country, whose sovereignty I won’t recognise anymore.

My wife says I have good midos, and she promised to work on her tznius. I said I’d eagerly help her with this. I thought I’d volunteer in the community, maybe with a modesty patrol in the neighborhood.

We’ll sell her bike, and use the money to buy her a nice, modest wig. I’ll grow my beard – I’ve seriously always wanted to do this.

What else do we need to do? Our kitchen is already kosher, but we can always tighten this up. We’ll look for Badatz stamps on food, is this kosher enough?

Once I get rid of all my secular clothes I’ll go look for some sleek black suits and a furry black hat. I don’t want to blow my own Shofar, but I think I look dashing in dark suits. Baruch Hashem summer is coming to an end, I reckon I’ll need to ease into this, it’s hot in these suits.

0 thoughts on “That’s it, I’m becoming haredi

  1. Umm, I think Haredim live a life of demeaning poverty and hardship and are victims not perpetrators. They may well be heading in the opposite direction to the one you wish to align yourself with here.

  2. So Amir, you have always been told that you a have a Jewish neshama. If instead of listening to be told what you have, you should have read what the Torah says in Genesis 2:7 about neshama. When man was formed from the dust of the earth, the Lord breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul. To become is not to have but to be. Hence, we do not have a soul; we are souls. At death, when that breath of life is taken back from the body, it goes back to God Who gave it. Neshama, by definition therefore, is the combination of body with the breath of life. Once, that combination is undone, the neshama is non-existent.

  3. good idea.
    would be interested to read from your ‘deep-other-side’ investigative journalism results at some stage…and if we don’t hear back from you?… could it suggest that we are starring at the aquarium from the wrong side?

  4. So sad to me that people make such ridicule of Chareidim. They live in a world that the rest of us can never understand. Yes, they have their problems. But by and large, they live a beautiful life; one that the majority of the world can never understand. It’s easy to poke fun at people who live differently than you do. It take no special skill at all to demean others. You are sadly, very common!!!


  5. Amazing. I’m not sure what is worse, the myopic and not objective view of charedim that you display, or the fact that you publicly expressed it durin Elul.

  6. Really, “neshoyma” for “neshume” or “neshome”? Where did you kritz this form out from? You probably also say “shoylem” for “shulem” or “sholem”. Amazing…

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